How to break up

 

Before the breakup

1. Pick an appropriate setting.

Avoid public places altogether. It’s not fair to the one on the receiving end to have to try to temper a potential emotional outpouring. It’s an intimate conversation that calls for an intimate setting, ideally at the partner’s place, giving them the prerogative to show you the door at any time. 

2. Give the conversation some thought.

Writing down exactly what you want to say and practicing it in advance can help anchor in the message so that when you're in the heat of the moment, you’re able to effectively communicate your thoughts. Planning in advance can also help you evaluate the tone with which you’re delivering the message. Try to keep it “neutral, non-accusatory, non-blameful, compassionate, direct, and honest”

During the breakup

3. Be direct

Don’t beat around the bush or otherwise hint at the fact that you want to breakup without actually saying it. A less direct approach may seem kinder in the moment—but trust, it’s not. “The best thing to do is to just say the truth, which is we're not a good fit for each other,” says Hendrix.

"There’s no easy way to do this, and it hurts me to know I’m hurting you, but I need to end this relationship.”

The best breakup conversations convey clear reasons why the relationship isn’t working, since the hurt partner may waste a lot of time afterward searching for evidence about what went wrong. Rather than point fingers, try to share from your perspective about how you’re feeling, whether it’s unappreciated, unloved, disconnected, that you have different core values, or want different things out of life.

4. But don’t delve into the details

Avoid listing out the Rolodex of reasons why the relationship isn't a good fit for you. “These are things that are going to be hard for the other person to let go of,” says Hendrix.

If your partner presses you for specific reasons behind the breakup, you can acknowledge that you totally understand why they’d want more details and perhaps give a reason or two, framing it from the “I” point of view, says Hendrix.

In general, you should reiterate the overall sentiment that you just don’t think you’re a good fit. “The only reason to really go into all of those little details is if you want to work on the relationship,” adds Hendrix.

5. Prepare to listen

You may not like what you hear. Your partner may react in any number of ways, but likely wants to be heard, if not have the last word. Consider what your partners needs are at that moment and be prepared to address them and act accordingly.

If they get angry: You can say something like, “I get that you’re angry; you have every right to be angry.” This may help diffuse the tension slightly, says Hendrix. At the same time, stay calm and don’t rise to meet their anger with your anger, she says. It can also help to ask: Are you ok to keep talking? Do you want to take a break and like to talk again in a few minutes? Of course if the anger is abusive (or otherwise threatening), you should say “this is not OK or appropriate” and end the conversation, advises Hendrix. Remember, it is never OK to stay in relationships because you're afraid of how the other person will react.

“Remember that only you can control your behaviors and emotional responses. Commit to staying calm and realize that anger is a secondary emotion, usually masking hurt, pain, and rejection. After you say what you need to say, if they lash out, remove yourself from the situation, with the option to have a final closure conversation when they’ve cooled off.”

If they get sad: You can make an empathetic comment, such as, 

‘I know this is really hard on you and that it’s not what you want to hear. I’m so sorry to hurt you,’

 but don’t leave the breakup up for debate. Being wishy-washy may give your partner false hope that they can convince you to stay.”

Convey empathy as you would before the breakup—by a hug or some other gesture of affection, while being prepared and accepting of it being declined.

If they promise to change. Let them know that while you appreciate that offer, the breakup is rooted in the fact that the relationship isn’t a good fit and even if they change, your feelings on the matter won’t be swayed, says Hendrix. Also acknowledge that you wouldn’t want them to change for you, and only for themselves if that’s what they feel they need, adds Porter.

6. Don’t leave things open-ended.

In the moment, you may feel tempted to lessen the blow of a breakup by hinting at the chance of future reconciliation, but don’t say that if it’s not a possibility; otherwise, you’re giving your partner false hope. If you know that this person is not a good life partner for you and there's a 99% chance that you're never going to rekindle anything, then you just want to tell the truth.

7. Share a few positive sentiments.

Though you should focus the conversation on the breakup, it’s also kind to share reflections on what you like about your partner. You want to be real about why your life is better because this person was a part of it. These thoughts could be well-placed when the conversation is wrapping up. At the end of the conversation, regardless of the reaction, thank your partner for all the good times. Express appreciation, and regret things didn’t work out.

After the breakup

8. Check in with yourself. 

After the conversation, do a mini debrief with yourself, suggests Hendrix. Ask: How was that for me? How do I feel right now?

Remind yourself that there’s nothing wrong with breaking up with somebody and while you may feel bad right now, the feeling is temporary.

Also, acknowledge the fact that you just did something really hard. Even though you were the one who decided to break up, “you’re not in the clear with regards to feelings,” says Hendrix. As you work through tough emotions, be really gentle with yourself and practice self-care, says Hendrix. Do nice things for yourself: go to a movie, take a nap, cook a healthy meal.

Remind yourself that it’s completely OK to breakup.

9. Tell your friends and family ASAP.

I highly recommend sharing the news relatively quickly with your inner circle. A common symptom of a breakup is feelings of loneliness and isolation, so quality time and phone calls with your breakup buds will help you feel connected.

10. Invest in yourself

The most important coping skills involve managing your physiological needs for proper sleep, diet, and exercise, as well as quality time with supportive friends. You may also want some time to yourself to cry it out. Just don’t self-medicate with drugs, alcohol, rebound sex, stalking your ex on social media, or frequently contacting them.

11. After the breakup, respectfully cut all contact for a short period of time.

12. Only start dating again when you’re legitimately excited to see new people.

13. Only attempt to be friends with your ex again once you’re over the idea of dating them.