Don't expect it to be happy every single day. There will be rough patches.
Communicate. Learn how to fight constructively. Don't have anything so scary that it simply can't be talked about.
Share a vision of the future that you're both working toward, whatever it is. If you secretly want radically different things, it won't be a happy thing.
Met at 17, married in 2000, 30 year together. Here are my top tips:
Learn the love language of your partner. I'd never heard of this phrase until last year, but it turns out that's EXACTLY what we have been doing for 3 decades. My wife's primary one is acts of service. She doesn't need flowers and poems (she likes them sure), she doesn't need gifts (we typically just buy some tickets to a concert, or plan a vacation, and look at each other like "Happy birthday to us"), but SHE DOES NEED acts of service. This means: doing dishes, cleaning the house when I'm home alone, driving the kids to school and playdates, helping host dinner parties, taking an ACTIVE role in planning vacations, or birthday parties, or what not. It means NEVER sitting back and going, "she's got this," because honestly she's the type of person who DOES got this, meaning, she'll do it all if she has to, she really would. But early on I figured out that WORKING FOR HER LOVE really is an aphrodisiac for her. There was a post on here a few days ago about a woman who was a stay-at-home mom whose husband was basically like, "Yeah, you do that, and I EARN the $$, so we're even." Nope. No way. Not in my world. When they tell you relationships take work, I used to think that meant, "working on differences, working on psychological things, etc." But I don't think that's what it means anymore, at least not for me. It means actual, physical labor of some sort. Bruce Springsteen has a song called I'll Work For Your Love and I think of that all the time. Okay, so that's HER love language. In return, she's learned mine. But that's a little more private so I'll skip that here. Just try to learn he love language and speak it. There's a bestselling book on this, that's where the phrase comes from, and I think there are 6 love languages. Honestly, man, I usually roll eyes at shit, but when someone comes up with a name for something that you've been doing naturally all along, you have to give it a little respect. I think it's a worthy 'self-help' concept for relationships and it's actually quoted on this sub quite a bit.
Tit for Tat. This is how we roll, and always has been. If I get a guys night, she gets a girls night. Keep that even. Same with chores. She does laundry, usually makes big meals. I do dishes, clean the floors, make a lot of small dinners during the week. Split that shit up and keep it as even as possible.
Sex. It's just always right there at the top of relationship issues, isn't it? Ideally, from the get go, you know this and you find a sexually compatible partner. If you want it every day, and she only wants it once a week, it's gonna be a looooong bumpy rocky road. So if you're completely aligned from the beginning, great. But if your'e not, try to meet half way, both of you. Know what you're getting into going in, because from everything I've seen and read, sexual incompatibly (in terms of frequency of need) can just be absolutely crushing one you're in a marriage.
Okay let's go deeper: kids. I've posted before about how much work I did as as stay at home dad, but it's in keeping with the concepts outlined above: tit for tat, and working for love. I did so much of that shit, changing diapers, walking around with the baby bjorn, double strolling, you name it. I did at least 50%, probably more in the early stages. So that keeps in line with my general theme about equal division of labor.
Kids part 2 - the first five years of raising our new kids were the hardest years for me personally. The sleep deprivation is indescribable. Just remember: THIS TOO SHALL PASS. Remember always, with relationships and with kids, PHASES. Phases, phases, phases. The great wheel in the sky always turns, and things change, seemingly just like that, and what you thought was divorce time, suddenly 2 weeks later, the storm has passed, and you can't even remember why you were so upset. Stick it out in rough patches just to see if it's a phase, especially with kids. And once my kids were like 7 and 5, everything was amazing.
Girls just wanna have fun. This has been my motto since I was a kid. Maybe it's true of all people, maybe we all just wanna have fun. Point is, don't forget that. In the grind of life as we know it, in this often dark and cynical world, we're all just looking for a little fun. When I keep things light, silly and fun, everything seems to work well. I save the dark brooding moments for after midnight when I'm alone and being contemplative. It's not that I can't talk to my wife about dark shit; it's not like we haven't had health scares, and the death of family members - but those times are SUPPOSED to be dark. I'm talking about on the daily, or just the "vibe" around he house. Keep it light and fun, if you can.
Foot rubs. I can't speak for anyone else, but it's pretty much a requirement in our marriage contract that if we're watching TV, I'm getting a foot in my lap to massage. And I do it. Every single day, for 30 years. : ) Now, I have my daughter doing the same thing.
Plan shit. John Lennon said life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. And it's true. We are always planning: that weeks schedule, playdates for the kids, date night for us, and of course bigger things like trips and celebrations, or home renovations, or our finances... all of this 'chatter' is like a glue that keeps us together. You begin to realize what a 'team' a marriage really is. We even now call it "our little corporation". Something about planning, with someone you really like, and think similarly too, bonds you together. I think 70% of what we discuss on a daily basis is some forward-thinking future-item. It sometimes makes your brain hurt, and sure, you wanna be able to "shut the fuck up and enjoy each other's company"; but if you're asking what a long-term marriage looks like on the daily? Talking and planning shit out is a big part of it.
Okay, those are some general thoughts. Hope it helps!
-----
Make sure you both are on the same page when it comes to priorities and core values that affect your daily lives. If you aren’t now, you probably won’t be after getting married either.
-----
Love evolves. It’s not always fireworks.
-----
Marriage is rarely two strong people, it’s about taking turns being strong for each other.
I know it sounds cliche but it’s true. You will both have days when your relationship feels invincible, and there can be months where one of you is depressed or hurting. You both have to be willing to support each other no matter the circumstances.
Don’t sweep problems under the rug. Fight it out & make up.
Your partner has to be your number one priority, over your career & extended family.
-----
You're going to get annoyed with each other and get mad over silly things, and sometimes you have to realize that you (yes you) were the asshole.
-----
As our sweet oldest brother Justin McElroy says, the work in every relationship should be split 60/40, with both people trying to be the one giving 60%.
-----
Do the small things.
"Can I show you this thing I made?"
"Want to walk the dog with me quickly?"
Just small stuff like that. I read somewhere that your willingness to do those things can determine a lot of your marriage. Sometimes I definitely don't want to get off the couch and help my wife with something, but I know she really appreciates it when I do. It helps her feel loved and appreciated in ways that you just can't when it's only the big things.
Big things build the structure, little things fill in the gaps.
-----
When arguing, it's "us vs. the problem" instead of "me vs. you".
-----
Even if you're married, never stop dating your spouse. Love is active.
-----
"Don't do anything that will make the other persons day more difficult". Simple, but still the best advice I've ever received. Miss ya', Gramps.
-----
Don't stress over the little shit. You'll get annoyed at thing you didn't think possible, like how they organize themselves, how they load the dishwasher, difference in opinions for trivial things. Let that shit go. Think about what truly matters to you before you start an argument over your misplaced toothbrush, the color of paint to use in the living room or what's going on in the garage at 10pm with all the swearing. This will differ a bit, but this is coming from a man that's been married for 14 years with two kids.
-----
Kindness. Don't be short, rude, and proud. You have to live with this person the rest of your life. Always be kind.
Forgive. You aren't immune to making any of the same mistakes. You're not as perfect as you think you are.
Don't dwell on the negative in one another. This is a bad mental path to get on. You are both imperfect. Compliment one another on your strengths. And help one another with weaknesses.
Be committed. Life will change. You both will change. There is security in commitment. There is trust when you feel secure.
Just a few things. 12 years, three kids, still learning
-----
Do things your spouse enjoys, and don't keep score. For example, my wife loves going to soccer games but I don't, and I love horror movies but my wife doesn't. But I still go to games with her, and she still watches horror movies with me. Support each others hobbies and interests.
-----
Most of the time you spend together is going to be non-sexual, so you better be best friends, or it won't last.
-----
Don't hold in [bullshit issue goes here], your partner actually can't read your mind.
-----
The point of arguing is not to win, it is to understand where they’re coming from and why this issue matters to them.
-----
Anger is neither a reason nor an excuse for bad behavior. You will get angry, you will fight, but you should never insult, indulge in name-calling, throw things, or hit them. If you cannot or choose not to control what comes out of your mouth when you are angry work on that first, get married second.
-----
If your spouse hurts your feelings, before you get angry remember who you’re talking to. This person loves you, chooses you every day. Odds are they’re unaware they’ve hurt you. Talk to them and listen to their answer. It’s way better than blowing up over something that is likely a mistake.
-----
My father always said that the best thing he and my mother got for their marriage was a king sized mattress over a queen size. I always thought that was ridiculous until this last month my wife and I needed a new bed. As fate would have it we found a great deal on a king sized, and spent the extra money. I'll be damned if that wasn't one of the best decisions we made aside from getting married, and having kids. The extra room is awesome, we can snuggle, or have some space, after sexy time, no o e has to sleep in a wet spot, and if our kids try and get in bed with us, there is enough room that no one is getting a kid foot to the face. So, what random bit of advice turned out to work wonders for your marriage?
-----
Dad said “Be kind even if you’re not feeling it. Maybe especially if you’re not feeling it.”
-----
0 Comments