I watched a video on assertiveness and the speaker laid out four steps to follow
"I understand, but-" Explain to the person that you understand the situation. "I understand you were frustrated, but..."
Say how you feel. "...but it embarrassed me when you called me out in front of everyone."
Say what you want. "In the future, I'd appreciate it if you'd talk to me privately if you have a concern and without raising your voice."
Is that OK? Is that reasonable? Ask the person if what you've asked of them is reasonable. Most people would find your request reasonable. If they don't, start over at step 2.
Let me know if that helps.
TLDR: explanation, feelings, desire, confirmation
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Prepare what you want to say before you do it. Try to figure out how to say what you mean directly but don’t be offensive (i.e. no judgment statements)
What’s the problem (usually an I statement)
What are the factors as to why
Ask to hear other persons side of the story
See what options there are to come to a solution where both parties are happy.
Don’t see it as a confrontation, see it as a discussion to fix a problem. You may not get 100% of what you want, but you can work on coming to a compromise.
It’s hard to do in the moment. Your heart will race and your palms may start sweating. But stand firm. Practice your intro to the conversation and give the person time to respond. Usually it ends up not being as big of a deal as you think it is.
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Great advice! At the minimum sleep on it.
Tone is critical too. Condescending, impatient, direct or defensive tones causes people to put their guard up and stop listening. The discussion should begin with a compassionate open tone. If no one is listening the confrontation is pointless.
Being aware and controlling your emotions is critical but very difficult to do in times like this. Especially when the other person doesn't want to talk about it.
Create an open dialog so both sides can openly share their point of view without feeling like they will be judged. Cooler heads will prevail!
This is a skill that needs to be learned. People skills that should be taught!
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There was a quote recently shared on this sub:
Your anxiety is because of your desire for harmony. Seek disharmony, then you will gain peace. - Rumi
Fear of confrontation is a common experience, and it's completely normal to feel anxious or nervous when you're in a situation where you feel like you have to stand up for yourself. However, it's important to remember that confrontation can be a healthy and necessary part of communication, and learning to manage and navigate confrontation can be an important skill in personal and professional relationships.
And most crucially, learning to say "No" is a powerful thing. You can never really say yes until you can say no.
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Know what your goals are going into it. Don't just talk to express yourself, that's how you get carried away. Stick to communicating your objective, listen, try to find compromise, and keep things calm.
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