Phase 1: Basic Praise
The specifics — if your praise is vague, it can sound insincere. As you start to praise more, you will frequently encounter people resisting your praise — they will say “it was nothing” or “I was just doing my job.” And maybe, deep down, they don’t think they deserve praise, or perhaps they suspect you are trying to manipulate them. If you are extremely specific, you can bypass that resistance and earn their trust.
Contrast these two statements:
“Hey, good job yesterday.”
Versus
“Hey Jim, I was really impressed with you yesterday — I noticed at three o’clock you had that huge stack of orders to handle, and when I was back at four you had finished all of them. That was some great work.”
If Jim is having a hard time accepting praise, the first statement is unlikely to be effective. The second statement, however, demonstrates to Jim three things: that you know his name, that you saw and noticed what he was up to, and that you have a positive opinion of what he did. By anchoring your praise with the specific time and place and other details, you can help Jim give himself permission to believe you.
Sincerity — you should only ever give praise that you actually mean. Unearned praise is mere flattery. A real man doesn’t manipulate people’s emotions, or use false or empty praise. Think about a time you earned the praise of somebody you respected. You valued that praise because you valued the opinion of the person giving it. And, you valued that praise because you trusted the sincerity of the person giving it.
Phase 2: Advanced Praise
Before you voice your positive comments, stop and ask yourself “What is the positive character trait that must exist inside that person for them to have exhibited this behavior?”
Once you have identified the positive character trait that brought about the positive behavior that you witnessed, you add that character trait to the end of your praise:
“Hey Jim, I was really impressed with you yesterday — I noticed at three o’clock you had that huge stack of orders to handle, and when I was back at four you had finished all of them. That was some great work — you were really focused. I like being on the team with somebody who has your kind of focus.”
Maybe Jim never thought of himself as being particularly focused. Maybe he even thought he was weak in that area. You, however, with your own eyes saw him behave in a highly focused way. When you share that with him, and you give it the name “focus,” he almost has no choice. You’ve shown the evidence, and you’re speaking with sincerity. At some level, he has to accept at least the possibility that he is a focused person, or that he is capable of behaving in a focused way. When he got up that morning, he didn’t think of himself that way. Now, because of your praise, he can see himself standing with a large “F” on his chest — he is Focused Man.
A Warning
Because praise is powerful, it is also dangerous. If you give someone praise that they truly don’t think they deserve, they can feel worse than if you’d said nothing, and they can even start to think that you are clueless. Similarly, if someone is convinced they did good job and you criticize or nitpick, that can be profoundly demoralizing.
So, be careful, and practice. A real man can handle power with responsibility. As you continue to grow in manliness, you will find effective praise comes easily to your lips and honestly from your heart.
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