Start paying attention. The first step of becoming a master complimenter is recognizing opportunities to offer praise. To overcome our negative and egocentric biases, we need to harness our inner Sherlock Holmes by observing more frequently and more keenly. Be fully present when interacting with others and you’ll easily find lots of things to compliment them on.
Compliment the small stuff. You don’t need to wait around for some big accomplishment to offer a compliment to somebody. If it’s something really obvious, they’ve probably been complimented on it plenty of times before. So offer your admiration for the small stuff. What may seem trivial to you might mean a lot to somebody else. Like somebody’s jacket? Let them know! Impressed with someone’s handwriting? Tell them.
While small things make excellent fodder for compliments, make sure they’re connected to a worthwhile trait or talent. Complimenting someone’s jacket makes them feel good, because it says they have good taste. Taking note of someone’s handwriting is really complimenting them on their discipline and practice. For this reason, “I like the way you eat peas,” or, “You pet your cat real nice,” will win you puzzled looks rather than smiles.
Be specific. The more specific you can get the better. Specificity conveys sincerity. When you’re specific with your compliment, it shows that you’re really paying attention to the person.
Moreover, if your goal is to encourage positive change in an individual, the more specific you get with your compliment, the more likely the recipient will be to continue the positive behavior. Specificity helps them identify what they’re doing right. For this reason, children who grew up with parents who gave them a lot of general praise, “You’re so smart!” or, “You’re so special!” tend to feel lost in adulthood, as they haven’t learned to hone in on their talents and abilities.
Be sincere. Compliments that are clearly insincere won’t win you any points; in fact, they’ll have the opposite effect. If a person knows you’re lying, that will erode their trust in you and de-value your future compliments.
You may compliment someone because you’re trying to win them over or sell them something, but if those are the only reasons you’re giving the compliment, the person will see right through you, and be repulsed rather than charmed. That might be part of your motivation, but you have to really, truly admire the thing you call out for praise for it to come off sincerely.
An emphasis on sincerity will also prevent you from offering compliments too often – another practice that makes your praise seem phony.
Finally, compliments that aren’t connected to true merit breed “learned helplessness” and passivity. When someone is rewarded and praised no matter what he does, he comes to see that positive attention is outside of his control and not contingent on good behavior or success. This saps his motivation to try and to challenge himself. This is especially important to keep in mind when you’re complimenting your kids.
Avoid the backhanded compliment. The backhanded compliment isn’t even a compliment, but rather an insult disguised as one. It can be a tool of the passive aggressive person to express disdain without completely owning up to it. We’ve all been subject to backhanded compliments one time or another.
- “Your painting is surprisingly good.”
- “You’re smarter than you look.”
- “I’m really impressed you’ve held a job for more than 6 months.”
- “You look pretty good considering your age.”
The best way to avoid backhanded compliments is to resist the urge to add any modifiers to the original compliment. If someone did a good job during a speech, just say, “Great job on that speech!” and nothing more. If the person is not deserving of the praise, then simply say nothing at all.
Explain how the person’s great qualities affect you. If you’re having trouble coming up with something to say when complimenting somebody, simply share how that person’s great qualities make a difference, however small, in your life – combine a compliment with appreciation. “Your smile really brightens up my day!” “Your attention to detail really makes my job a whole lot easier. Thanks!” And so on.
Vocalize your thoughts. I think part of the reason we’re often stingy with the compliments is not that we don’t think nice thoughts or notice things we admire in others, but that we don’t make the leap to putting those thoughts into words. We let the thought slip away unspoken. This often happens in long-term relationships – you get so comfortable you stop vocalizing your affections. If your lady gets all gussied up for a night out, let her know how nice she looks, instead of making her ask, “Well, how do I look?”
Compliment someone in front of others. A public compliment has extra weight because it shows the recipient that you’re proud to be associated with them and you’re not afraid to reveal your admiration to others.
Relay “second-hand compliments.” One of my favorite types of compliments to receive are what I call “second-hand compliments.” These are compliments that happen outside of the praised person’s earshot, but that you relay back to them later. For example, “Hey James, I was talking to Andy the other day about your new partnership and he went on and on about how he’s never enjoyed working with someone as much as he does with you, and how much he appreciates the new ideas you’re bringing to the project.”
Non-present compliments are also those you yourself offer about someone else when they’re not around. For example, I was recently talking to my brother about running and working on the blog and I mentioned how I really admire Kate’s tenacity and grit to finish an article on a tight deadline, even if it means staying up all night to do it. When I got home, I told her about that conversation, and she said it really meant a lot.
Second-hand compliments are extra special because they tell the receiver that you think so highly of their worthy quality that you were even talking to other people about it.
Don’t delay! If you notice something to compliment someone about, do it as soon as you can. If you wait too long, you’ll likely forget. Happens to me all the time. For example, last Sunday at church, a young man gave a really impressive talk. He was articulate, engaging, and insightful. I thought to myself, “I need to tell that kid I enjoyed his talk,” but when the meeting was over, I got busy conversing with someone else, and I didn’t get a chance to offer my compliment.
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