A classic example is “I’m sorry that you were hurt by what I did”. You cannot take responsibility for, and therefore apologize for, someone else’s actions or emotions. If someone is hurt, they own that hurt and you cannot take it back. You can however apologize for the action you took which caused the hurt, if you sincerely regret taking that action: E.G. "I'm sorry that I called your mother a dick-farmer." rather than "I'm sorry that you're upset about me calling your mother a dick-farmer."
It's helpful to distinguish between these two phrases because the person who uses a genuine apology has recognized the consequences of their actions and taken responsibility for them, while the person who uses the insincere apology is often just irked that someone reacted a certain way to their actions, but is not sorry for the action itself.
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Why YSK: I realised recently how often I and the people around me are making 'non-apologies' which start with "I'm sorry..." and then digress into avoiding responsibility for doing the wrong thing.
On the whole, most people are quite forgiving when you sincerely apologise for wronging them in some way. (I'm talking about the normal social missteps we all make, not the "murdered your relative" type wrong).
But people often end up making things worse when they apologise by phrasing it in a way that removes responsibility. They do this, I think, because if the other party accepts the excuse, then their mistake is completely absolved.
For example:
(1) "I'm sorry I'm late for the meeting, I got stuck in traffic."
You are not asking for forgiveness, you are asking for absolution from wrong-doing.
We've all used (1) at some point, but I have been reflecting on how it is actually pretty terrible. Because it is immediately followed by an excuse, it actually implies a denial of guilt. And, since it's is the traffic at fault, in the same set of circumstances, you can be relied on to be late again!
But consider:
(2) "I am sorry for making you wait for me. I should have anticipated that the traffic would be bad this morning."
In (2), you are acknowledging the IMPACT of your actions. You are validating the annoyance your coworkers may be feeling. Then, you're explaining that YOU misjudged the traffic, not that the traffic caused your lateness. It's not an excuse, it's just more information to demonstrate that you understand where you went wrong.
I think the key is to admit to committing a human error - you made a bad choice. Luckily, human error is universal and therefore forgivable. Most people just want to know that you understand the consequences of your actions and hear you take responsibility for it.
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LPT: A real, effective apology has three parts: (1) Acknowledge how your action affected the person; (2) say you're sorry; (3) describe what you're going to do to make it right or make sure it doesn't happen again. Don't excuse or explain.
Say your roommate accidentally ruins your couch by spilling a big cup of coffee on it. Think about which you'd rather hear.
Mediocre apology: "I'm so sorry! I just got startled when my phone buzzed and I accidentally knocked it over. It was totally an accident. I feel terrible."
Good apology: "I know you really like the look of that couch, and now it's got a stain on it - you must be really bummed about that. I'm so sorry. I'd be happy to pay for a cleaning, and in the future, I'll keep my drinks in the kitchen.
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If you avoid saying the reason, you also avoid discussing how you will fix it to make sure it doesn't happen again. Why not: "I'm sorry that I raised my voice. I felt frustrated and I let myself get overwhelmed by emotion. You didn't deserve to be spoken to like that and I shouldn't have let my own feelings get in the way of treating you with respect. I love you, and I'm really going to work on controlling my reaction in situations like this."
That would mean a lot more to me than, "I'm sorry that I yelled at you." That's like a rote, child-level apology. So... what? I say okay and then you apologize next time it happens?
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I feel like a few people don't know how to apologize properly. As someone who messes up frequently and issues a lot of apologies, here's how to! (The best thing I ever learned from high school was a teacher who taught us this.) Also, remember, an apology is a genuine effort at contrition. Don't offer excuses or push it back at them. You're attempting to show them that you deserve their forgiveness.
First, say what you did. Explicitly. And clearly. For example, "I was careless and accidentally broke your television."
Second, apologize. This part's easy. "I wanted to properly apologize for doing so. I'm incredibly sorry."
Third, explain why what you did was wrong. "I should've taken more care and not been drunk."
Fourth, explain what you're going to do to stop it from happening again, or make it right. "I'm going to make sure I'm not drinking again at your place - there's a lot of expensive stuff - and take more care in the future. I'm going to pay to replace it, as well."
Finally: Ask if they'll forgive you. "I hope you can forgive me, and again, I'm really sorry."
This is an amazing life skill. Being able to properly apologize has saved relationships and jobs for me - a good one can salvage so many things!
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Apologies are hard. It takes a lot of guts, poise, and courage to make a big apology for a big fuck up. You have to make sure your fear of the moment doesn't control your actions. The longer you wait to make an apology, the less sincere it will appear to be.
Step 1. Admit wrongdoing.
Admit that what you did/said was wrong. This implies shame. Shame and guilt are different. Guilt is impressed upon you externally, whereas shame is internal conviction. We often mischaracterize these things, or use them interchangeably, but knowing the difference can help inform our emotional responses to them.
Step 2. Accept responsibility.
Let the person know that you won't make excuses for your actions, and that your explanations for them won't hold anyone else responsible but you. This implies an openness to accountability. Accountability is holding yourself to a certain standard, or allowing other people to do so. Being open to accountability is a product of self reflection and growth. It feels painful at times, but will ultimately lead to a more well rounded and healthy life.
Step 3. Express regret.
This is either the easiest or hardest step for people. A lot of people aren't used to having to apologize. It's difficult, but it's necessary to build trust. Regret is seen as either a product of shame, a cousin to it, or the most important part of it. However you characterize it, it is vital to ensuring that the person you're apologizing to feels like their feelings are being respected.
Make sure that when you say what you need to say, you express yourself with "I" statements, not "you" statements.
For instance: "I'm sorry that I said something so insensitive. I won't do it again." "I'm sorry that what I did resulted in danger and/or personal harm." These statements highlight what you did wrong, and your regret for having done those things. They bring attention to the issue without making the person feel vulnerable again.
What not to say: "I'm sorry you got offended." "I'm sorry you feel like that shouldn't have happened." These statements imply that the person receiving your apology has some responsibility to interpret your words or actions some other way, or that you believe there could have been a scenario where they took your words or actions to mean something positive instead of something negative. It casually takes responsibility away from you, which should never be the point of a sincere apology.
Why YSK: Apologizing should be more frequent and less stigmatized in our society. Often times people feel that their actions or words were justified, even if they caused harm. That kind of feeling can/does bleed into other interactions that aren't justifiable and create a ripple effect of never wanting to apologize for anything. A lot of people view apologizing as losing power or credibility in a relationship, when it actually has the opposite effect. When you apologize, you display maturity, growth, respect, and a lot of poise. It shows your willingness to be a good person, even when inconvenient, which is the cornerstone of integrity.
EDIT: I know I left out a lot of stuff, I agree more needs to be added. To clarify: this is a draft for a speech I'm giving on the subject at a conference. I need to keep it to a list of three things, and I can't have it go on super long. Apologies are complex, and not all are the same. This isn't meant as a failproof template for all apologies, just some points to think about. I agree corrective action and acknowledging the impact of what you did are important things, but I can't go into detail on everything and keep the speech below a decent amount of time. At the end of the speech, I'm fully planning on saying that there's even more to be done to make apologizing equitable and empathetic, and encourage people to ask me questions later on in the conference. A more complete version of this will be made available to the listeners online as well. I appreciate the feedback, really, there's just more to this than a reddit post.
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