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Parents of reddit, what do they leave out of the parenting books?
Your child will come to your room in the middle of the night and tell you they have to throw up, instead of going to the bathroom and throwing up.
This will lead to a mad dash to the bathroom before the inevitable happens. YOU WILL NOT WIN THIS RACE. The child will start spraying vomit like some kind of high pressure hose, coating the hallway and floors all the way to the bathroom, then when you arrive at the toilet, they are done and crying because they are ill.
You have to feel sorry for them, you are their parent, but you are angry and want to throw up, because guess who gets to clean up that mess...that's right, your wife.
*thanks for the gold- and just a side note. I sometimes help cleanup the vomit, not always a good idea because vomit is my kryptonite.
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Just how angry you can get at a baby when you’re sleep deprived. You hear “never shake a baby” all the time and before you have a baby you can’t imagine what kind of monster would ever shake one. Then you have a baby and you’re running off minimal sleep one month in a row and the baby just won’t stop crying and you get tempted to bounce the baby just a little too hard.
With that being said, never shake a baby. The baby doesn’t have sound reasoning and sure, figuring out why the baby is crying can be impossible. Tried to feed the baby, still crying. Changed the diaper, still crying. Sang a song, made soothing noises, walked around, rocked, etc., still crying. You’re going to get angry at the baby. Just remember…just a baby. No shaking. Not even if you dressed the baby up as a maraca.
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Maybe I missed the section that explained it in my books but I wasn't aware you had to rotate the way the babies head lays each time you but them down to sleep.
My daughters head started to flatten on the back and we freaked out at the pediatrician's, talks of helmets to reshape and all that. We just kept her out of her baby seat and rotated her each time she went down (had to put a barrier behind her bc she was use to sleeping on her back). She is nice and round headed now, my little rotisserie child.
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Your daughter may menstruate in her first month. Never mentioned in anything I ever found, 3 days home from the hospital in the middle of the night and there's blood in my daughters diaper. I freaked the fuck out and had to call and wait for a callback from my doctor, for him to just be like "Is it coming from her vagina? Yeah, that's normal, some babies menstruate as they are coming off the hormones from your blood stream."
Thanks for never ever mentioning that as a possibility.
EDIT: Whoa, walk away for a day and this happens? Thanks for the gold anonymous stranger!
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How much it can actually hurt you to punish your child. It's not a joke. And I'm not even talking about spanking. I might really be looking forward to doing something with my kids, but if they aren't doing what they need to be doing, then discipline comes before fun.
I wanted to play Pokemon with you, I really did, but now you have to do extra chores instead.
EDIT: Gracias for the gold.
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Have "Barf Buckets" at the ready. An old ice cream tub with a few paper towels at the bottom works fine.
For toddlers, a straw is an emergency toy. Keep a few in the glove box. They occupy a child for about ten minutes.
Grab extra napkins when you go out to eat. Stash them in the glove box. Do it.
When the baby won't stop crying, use Mylicon. It's magic.
Sleep train your children starting at 6 months. This means not getting them when they cry. This will be the hardest two weeks of your life.
Have a strict bed time. 8pm is good from 2 years until 10 years.
Have your children wash their hands as soon as they walk in the door from school. This will reduce illness at home.
Fix cups of chocolate milk before you go to bed. It's much nicer at 5:30 am to just pull it out of the fridge and give it to the kid than have to turn on a light and fix it while your balls are still itchy and you don't know what day it is.
Read to your kids at night.
Do not let your infant sleep with you. It is very difficult to get them out of your bed as they grow older. see sleep training above.
Let them wear costumes to the store if they want to.
Learn to love Phineas and Ferb.
Edit: Thanks for all the love on this post. I have three boys, ages 17-6. This is just what I've learned. Also, a big thank you to whomever gave me gold. Thank you!!
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The absolutely mind-numbing tedium. There is no way to convey how boring your child will sometimes prove to be. It doesn't matter how much you love them. When they ask you to repeat the same idiotic game with them - without variation - for the 30th time at 4:00 on a weekday afternoon...you will simply want to die.
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What parenting "trend" you strongly disagree with?
Over scheduling activities. When I was teaching, I remember my kindergartners telling me they had no time to play because every day consisted of non-stop structured sports, dance and such.
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Over protection. Kids need to slowly, safely learn to manage risk and that means that they must take risks. Not letting kids learn this hurts them as adults and preparing kids for lives as adults is really what parenting is all about.
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Not letting their kids make mistakes
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Not saying "no" to your children. I don't understand the logic. Setting behavioral boundaries and maintaining those boundaries through black and white logic makes perfect sense to me.
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Mine came from a doctor in the er.
I had taken my 2 week old to the er for the second time in that week convinced something was wrong. At the first hospital they had sent me away saying it was new mom jitters. The second time I took her to children’s hospital, and told them I wouldn’t leave until they told me what was wrong.
Turns out something was very wrong. She had developed a kidney infection from a birth defect we knew nothing about. The infection was spreading through her body.
Her urologist sat down with me and told me: it doesn’t matter how many people tell you things about your child, no one knows them better than you do. Even at 2 weeks, I’ve known her 2 weeks longer than any doctor I could take her to.
I carry that with me always. She’s older now but I never allow anyone sway me into questioning myself when it comes to her. It’s saved her a lot of tears and even her life.
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Children can't meet an expectation unless the expectation has been explained to them. Children aren't born knowing what appropriate behavior is. They are sponges and can pick up a lot from seeing and hearing things but being told straight out what the expectation is for any given situation cuts down on power struggles and makes setting limits and boundaries easier.
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Mine was to remember you're not raising a child but a future adult. It applies to so many aspects of parenting and I always try to keep it in mind.
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Take time to bond with your kids one on one. I wish I had saved the thread from a different ask Reddit so I could give credit to the user who responded with the great advice. I work a lot, then do yard work and other chores around the house to keep everything up and running when I get home. One day I was reading a ask Reddit about what daughter's felt made their dad a good parent. One user responded that her dad took her for a walk every day just to talk about anything. A couple days after reading that my 8 year old daughter was talking to me and said she wanted to know more about me, i.e. favorite color, food, and so forth. I realized even though I went to all her school events, and sporting events and would read to her, I never spent anytime just bonding with her. So I started to take her on a walk after work everyday since. And our relationship is better than ever, I let her ask me any questions she has, I ask her questions and I know when she is older I will look back at these walks and be gratetful for them. Maybe if she is having issues in the future she will feel more inclined to tell me about them, i know more about her now also. Do stop and take time one on one with your kids, you won't regret it
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Sometimes babies cry for no reason. There's nothing wrong with it. It's not your fault. There's nothing you can do. It is something that must be endured.
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A no is a no. Be consistent.
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Be loud (ish) after you put your kids to bed. If you're super quiet and scared to wake them, they will get used to sleeping in silence and won't sleep if there's any extra noise in the future.
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Don't start giving them rewards for things they're supposed to do normally anyway.
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When addressing behavior, think about how you say things. There is a world of difference between "you lied" and "you are a liar" to a child in psychological development.
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Dont be afraid to walk out of places with your bratty child. It is not okay to make everyone else suffer because your child is being a shit. I have walked out of restaurants and a grocery store one time because my kids couldn't behave. It was all it took, they never acted like that again. Now we get comments all the time when eating out at how well behaved my children are. Be an actual parent, not their friend.
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From the father of three boys under the age of 8.
Get down on the floor and play. Really play. Forget that you are 25, 35 or 40 years old and pretend you are a child for a little while. Your kids will connect with you so much during that time and you will build a ton of great memories for yourself
Break the rules on occasion. Nothing crazy like going out back for a smoke, but take them out of school one day and go to the aquarium and get ice cream. Give them cake or candy before dinner or after breakfast. Even though you are a parent, you can show them that they can go outside the lines here and there.
When you need to speak sternly or just make sure they are listening to you, be on their level. Get down on one knee to meet them eye to eye. They are less intimidated and more attentive, which generally leads to better results
Don’t brush off their emotions. Kids react differently than adults do to most things. If they are scared of something, don’t tell them not to be. If they are sad because a toy broke or is missing, tell them you are bummed out too. If they fall and get hurt, don’t tell them it’s just a scratch. Show them that you understand what they are going through while teaching them how to better cope with these things for the future.
Teach them independence appropriate to their age. Have them change their own clothes at 4, wipe their butt at 5, set the dinner table at 6, refill their own milk at 7, etc. Age appropriateness will vary between children, but giving them ownership of these things builds their confidence. It also keeps you from going nuts doing the same thing every hour of every day.
Kids have way more energy than you ever will. Don’t try to bottle them up if you are in the mood to relax. Give them an outlet to get it out of their system. No quiet activity (books, crafts, etc.) is going to hold a boy for much more than 5 minutes if they have pent up energy. Let them loose outside, get them to burn it off and then find some time to relax later on.
Reading is an absolute must when they are more relaxed and focused. Bedtime reading is especially rewarding for me and my wife. As the kids’ bodies settle down, their minds start going like crazy. We have some of the best conversations of the day just before bed, whether it’s about a book we just read or activities from the day. Sometimes I can’t get them to stop talking and go to sleep.
Manners! Always be teaching them manners. Please, thank you, you’re welcome, holding the door open, excuse me, etc. People notice when your children are polite and children notice when people comment on their politeness.
Teach them about money. Help them understand that their clothes, toys and video games aren’t free. Show them how to save so they can buy something of their own. They will almost always treasure the thing they bought for themselves more than anything you got for them.
Siblings will always fight with each other, there’s nothing that can be done there. Just remind them at times when they “hate” each other, that they are brothers and sisters for life and one day they will be good friends. It won’t sink in at a young age and they will most likely think you are nuts, eventually it will click and they will appreciate each other a lot more.
Don’t buy three of the same toy to avoid fighting. Each child has their own likes and dislikes. While one may covet another’s Transformer from time to time, they may not want one of their own. They also need to learn about sharing and other people’s possessions. Giving them all the same things doesn’t help them.
Don’t try to make them perfect. Encourage them to try new things, knowing that they will most likely fail at first. If they come to you for help, be there for them but give them all the room you can to figure it out on their own. When they succeed, you will see it in their face. That’s a pretty rewarding feeling as a parent.
I can keep going, but this is getting long. The most important piece of advice I have is live in the moment. Take advantage of the time you have when they are young and teach them, play with them and learn from them. They will teach you a thing or two about life that you weren’t expecting.
Mine is for when they are older, like preteens/teen age.
Whenever possible, be the driver. Pick up the friends, drop off the friends. To the movies, the mall, to a friends house, to a school event, anything you can. When you get a group of kids together in a small space, they tend to forget the parent is there and start talking. I've heard a lot of gossip and I know who is doing what, who likes who, who is dating who, random friend drama, that sort of thing. A few times the kids have asked me for advice, and a few times I have asked if I can offer some advice or support. I have a great relationship with my kids friends, and I think the car rides help that.
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Pick. Your. Battles. Especially when they are little. Do not engage over every little thing. You and your children will be much happier if you let some things go.
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Model the behavior you want to see. You can’t expect a kid to be less aggressive and angry if you are always yelling at them or hitting them. Similarly, you can’t expect them to be polite if you aren’t polite to your spouse and others.
Kids just mimic what they see. How you deal with problems will be how they deal with problems. For me, that has been the biggest game changer. Once I stopped yelling, they stopped.
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In response to a request from me, my oldest child (m,28) sent me an email summarizing the childhood experiences he had to struggle through (and still struggling through).
Four words: I had no idea.
Quick advice to my younger self:
If you see perplexing behavior, just assume your child is working through something really hard. They are not trying to disobey or disappoint you. They are genuinely wrestling powerful drives to learn, to fit in, to explore, and to find acceptance.
Assume your child will never talk about their shame, especially if you pry. Instead, regularly and openly teach the concepts that will negate the false ideas behind shame.
Take a couple of days with your partner and try your best to remember every source of shame in your life, then ask yourself the hard questions for how you might be perpetuating it with your children. Make a plan to reject the stupid ideas and traditions behind the shame and invent your own sensible, authentic traditions.
Create regular opportunities for non-stressful interactions with your children. Have 1:1s with your kids, but make sure 90% or more are not about teaching or problems, but rather about enjoyment, creativity, play, or just hanging out.
I'd add,
If your tween/teenager ask you to hang out with them, hang out with them unless you literally can't. At that age them sharing with you isn't as common as it once was. But if my 16 year old ask me to go throw around the football/baseball or my 17 year old ask if we can go for a walk, that's normally means they want to talk about something.
Try to make your house a welcoming environment for them and their friends. Our house being the main hangout spot for my teens and their friends has been great for us. It does mean our house is usually filled with a loud group of teens but it also means I know what my kids and their friends are up to.
Always let your kid know they can use you as an excuse. When they are struggling with peer pressure and need an easy out, "My stupid mom/dad said no" is held up as legitimate since they all know parents can be buzzkills.
No baby ever died from crying.
There will be times when you're at your wits end and it just. Won't. Stop. Crying.
It's ok to put the baby down, step out of the room, and take a moment to breathe/calm down/recenter yourself.
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An ancient old lady who had 6 awesome kids told me "Don't ever forget your child is going to be an adult. Raise them to survive".
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Read to your kid before they go to bed. It could literally be anything. Doesn't have to be a kids book. This will help them spend more time with you and improve their reading skills, and I'm sure they'll remember it when they're older
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A great piece of advice I got from a long time friend, that helped when my son was 5, or 6, etc. was to make sure that he knows we ALWAYS love you. Even when we get mad. I taught him this regularly when there was no conflict. And when he'd get angry or in trouble and his mom and I seemed angry at his misbehavior, I would remind him and test him. I'd say, "Right now you're in trouble and mom and I are mad. But even though we're mad right now…" and he'd reply, "You still love me." Kids need to know that their parents always love them. Even when they're in trouble. Parents need to know that discipline can be enforced to teach life lessons and can still be loving. My son has grown up with confidence and a respect for right and wrong.
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