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1. At my wedding, my grandfather gave me the only advise that I have ever paid attention to.
A relationship is not 50/50. You have to put 100% of yourself into your relationship and your loved one.
Do anything and everything for her, and she will (hopefully! Lol) do the same for you. If there is a chore that she normally does but hasn’t had time to get to it for days in end, do it for her.
There are always going to be shifts in your life. New jobs, new homes, new pets, babies, ect. You need to adapt to these changes and not expect everything to be the exact same as they have always been.
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Very happily married here for 13 years. I have a lot of thoughts on this, but I'll distill it to my top 3.
You are on the same team. Always. Make sure she always sees that you're on the same team, and even comment on how great of a team you are together. My wife and I bump rings sometimes and say Team "LastName"! I know it's corny, but it drives it home.
Use the HALT trigger guide for when one or both of you is upset, and both of you should learn it. HALT is for Hurt, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. If either of you is in any one of those states and start to get snippy, you need to resolve that before any discussion or continuation of whatever is happening. If you're hungry, eat, if you're tired, rest. And if you see your spouse in that state, gently support them in taking care of what HALT state they are in, since they may not even recognize it themselves. Eventually, you'll both get so used to it that you'll recognize it in yourself as something that needs addressing before you start a discussion that will end in a fight.
You are NOT responsible for your spouse's happiness. And yes, I mean it. You are to love, honor, and cherish, but you are not capable of controlling (nor should you want to) her mood and mental state. She may be upset due to any number of things that you cannot fix. Your goal should be to become a safe place for your wife to feel all of her feelings and process through them. Validate her emotions ("It's okay to feel upset that your brother yelled at you"), and let her process. You can't fix everything, but you can be a SAFE PLACE for her as she puts things back together.
First and foremost, empower her to confront your selfishness, and own it. Create warm, nonjudgmental dialogues around selfishness on both sides. She should be willing to empower you to do the same. Negotiating differences will require compromise, and that's different from rationalizing what we want.
Second, whatever her love language is, do that. For my wife it's acts of service. So I make her coffee, breakfast, and lunch every morning. And other chores. For me, it's words of affirmation, appreciation, and compliments.
Third, gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. So many people would give anything for someone to love them. If you have that, treat it like the most precious thing in the world.
Fourth, whenever you reflexively snap back with any kind of attitude, you are wrong. (Same goes the other way.) Disrespect is always counterproductive, and should never be normalized. Relax, figure your shit out, and engage when you can be kind and respectful.
Fifth, whatever is intolerable, don't accommodate it. The longer we indulge and accommodate things that we know we can't live with long term, the more we find ourselves in a resentful despair. Better to confront it before it grows. Because you will never be the husband you want to be if you are resentful and thinking of leaving.
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I pretty much agree with most of the comments here. Everyone is different and so what a “good husband” is will vary somewhat from spouse to spouse. Here are a few things the other commenters hadn’t mentioned that have worked for me:
Tell her you love her at least once a day, every day.
Give her a hug/kiss goodbye whenever you leave the house.
Check in about small things, e.g.—“I’m running a little late, I’ll be home in a half hour; I’d like to meet a couple of friends for a beer after work, will that be a problem?; I’m at the store, do you need anything?”
It’s fine to have friends of the opposite gender, but be transparent about it. Let them know who you’re hanging out with, when, where, and doing what. Be patient and accommodating if they are reasonably concerned about a particular activity.
Make sure all of your friends are friends of your relationship. Don’t let anyone disrespect your wife, even if she’s not around.
Don’t complain about your wife or share intimate details with other people (except people with a professional duty to keep your secrets). Your wife is in a relationship with you, not your friends.
Definitely retain some independence. Taking time out for your friends or hobbies is very healthy, so long as it’s appropriate. So, for example, a guys’ weekend in Lake Tahoe is fine; a guys’ weekend in Vegas, not so much.
Remember the little things. Small acts of kindness for no particular reason mean so much.
Remember that these sorts of things are what any good spouse should do; not just a husband. She should be doing these things for you also. If you need something you’re not getting, communicate that early in a non-accusatory way.
Hope that helps.
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Give: give your time, give your attention, give your affection.
Share: share your hopes, your dreams, your worries, your concerns, your interests and desires.
Talk: talk often, talk openly, be constructive not critical.
Sharing: time spent doing things together is priceless, so is the time you don't share, it gives you new things to talk about and reinforces appreciation when you get back to doing things or just being together again.
Arguments: arguments can clear the air, be aware of yourself, don't let temper win. Think before you speak. Verbal attacks and insults can do irreparable damage. Never, ever part ways or go to bed angry.
Chores: share household and child rearing chores, everyone gets weary and many hands make light work.
Support: be supportive, when your partner is weak be their strength, when you are weak, lean on your partner. Be enthusiastic and helpful when your partner is trying something new.
Love: say it, show it in the little caring things you do.
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Help with the chores without being asked. Be a good handyman. Do little things that make her feel special. Cuddle often, without always making it about sex. Tell her she is gorgeous. Take time to kiss. Flirt occasionally like you did when you first met. Take time away from the kids if you have any. Make the effort to dress nicely, and look after your personal grooming, even if all you are doing is hanging out around the house.
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Do the little things. If she’s at work or out of the house and you are home.. clean the house, fold the clothes.
You never need a reason to bring her flowers. The days that have no significance and bring her flowers or something of the sort will be remembered more than the flowers on Valentine’s Day.
Kiss her goodnight every night wether the day was good or bad for you both.
You can never say I love you too much.
Just a few little things that go a long way no matter what stage of marriage you are in.
I am in the process of fighting to save my marriage right now and these are thing I wish I would have done more of now. Marriage is wonderful and a beautiful thing. If you always treat it as such it will reward you in so many ways you never thought possible.
Congratulations!
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Between our work schedules, my hobby (racing cars) and her hobby (running) we rarely spent any time together. Not happy with the situation I felt I needed to change it. So I sold my car and started running. We now run 4 days a week together and race a few times a year.
Sometimes life requires you to give up the things you like for the things you love.
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